


Do-Over

by whatteam_voltron



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Suicide, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatteam_voltron/pseuds/whatteam_voltron
Summary: Everything with the Connor Project has blown over, and really what Evan wants more than anything is to have known who Connor really was. To be able to do the whole school year over.And somehow, he wakes up on the first day of school again. It's time to change things. Fix them. Make it right.But is there really a way to change fate without sacrifices?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to do this story for so long now. I hope you enjoy :)

Evan stared blankly at the Connor Project page. The posted emails, the comments about how good it was that everyone could remember Connor.

It was bullshit. Evan had never done this "for Connor," he might as well have pounded his memory to dust for all he erased of it when he created a new version to be remembered. This Connor was fake, but he will live on. The real Connor... he was long gone.

Evan sighed, turning his phone off and trying to sleep again. If only he could sleep. If only he could be less of a screwup. If only he didn't ruin Connor's memory, if only he ever talked to him to know who he was. That's all he wants right now. He wishes he could start the year over again, and do it _right._

He closes his eyes. _Like that'll ever happen..._

It doesn't feel like he gets any sleep before his alarm goes off. He doesn't want to wake up, and he moves his arm to hit the snooze button. Except his left arm feels weird. He looks down and sees a clean white cast and he freezes in disbelief. No. No, this was a prank. Maybe by Jared.

_Jared, who refuses to talk to you?_

Maybe he came back around and is playing a prank to get back at Evan and then they can be friends.

Either way, it was too much to hope he went back in time and he doubted he would have broken his arm a second time.

Heidi entered the room. "You're not up yet, honey? You're gonna be late to school."

Evan let out a loud sigh. He hardly cared.

"Come on, it's your first day of senior year. It'll be great, you can get some of the other kids to sign your cast, how about that?"

"I guess?" Evan didn't know why his mom would go along with it.

"Now I came in here to ask why you didn't eat anything last night." Heidi looked at Evan seriously. When he didn't say anything she continued. "You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I'm at work. You know-"

"Yeah mom, won't let it happen again." He pulled out his phone and tried to pull up the Connor Project page. Nothing. He searched it on google. Nothing. The date was August 29th. All texts from the year were gone.

"Evan, are you listening?"

"Hmm?"

"I said I'm picking you up after school for an appointment with Dr Sherman. Have you been writing the letters?"

"Uh, yeah- thanks mom. I gotta get ready for school." He dashed out of the room, barely able to wait until he was at school and it would be time to act. What would he say? He couldn't let Jared start talking to Connor for the first part, he had to get rid of him before that.

\--------------------------------------------------

At school, Evan still wasn't quite prepared when Jared started talking. "Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from-"

"Oh my God Jared, I don't want to deal with you right now!" The words came out rushed and without him wanting them to. He was practically shaking. He should have just directed Jared so their conversation was far away from Connor. But then he wouldn't be sure he would be able to find Connor at all.

"Geez, Evan, what's got your panties in a bunch?"

Evan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just not in the mood to talk, can you leave me alone right now?"

Jared visibly deflated. "Oh, uh, yeah, I'll just chat with my _real_ friends, you know? Tell your mom-"

"That you were nice so you can get car insurance. Right, great. Go. Go to your 'real friends.'" And maybe Evan shouldn't have made air quotes around that phrase, but he was still mad at Jared. That was mostly post- Connor Project Jared, though.

"Hey, that's not- are you saying you don't believe I have real friends?"

"I'm just saying you should stop bothering me, Jared!" It was too late. It was too late it was too late, Connor was at his locker.

"Why are you being such a dick? I- fine. Nevermind, I'll stop 'bothering' you." He started walking away, but then directed his words at Connor. "Hey, Connor, loving the new hair length! Very school-shooter chic!"

And both Connor and Evan froze. Evan urged himself to do something. Say something. Save Connor.

The silence continued. "I was kidding. It was a joke."

"Yeah, I know, it was funny, I'm laughing. Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

"...You're such a freak."

Jared started to walk away, but suddenly Evan lunged forward in a frantic last-ditch effort to start off on a good foot with Connor. He grabbed Jared's backpack to prevent him from leaving.

"Don't mind Jared, he's an asshole to everyone." He directed this at Connor, then the word vomit kept coming. "He won't even call me his friend, which is ironic, because then at least he'd have one, right?" And anxious laughter bubbled out and this is nowhere near the situation he wanted at all. He let go of Jared, realizing he should have just let him leave if he was going to talk this way, but he didn't want Connor to think he was only saying it to be nice or that he wouldn't stand by it in front of Jared.

When he let go, though, Jared only turned around and looked at Evan, and he was angry and- hurt. Evan would have to talk to Jared later, but he wasn't sure how to fix it. Maybe he'll just say Jared doesn't have to pretend to like Evan anymore, that he'll tell his mother he was nice to him without them having to interact. Jared would like that.

As it was, Connor gave a bit of a smirk. He looked at Jared, talking loud so everyone would stop and listen. "Well then, who's the real freak now, huh? This ball of anxiety is willing to roast you for being friendless right in front of you." He stepped forward and gave Jared a shove.

Jared didn't fall on the ground, but he was taken back a step. "Whatever. Fuck you." And he was off.

Connor turned to look Evan up and down. "You know, that was pretty fucking cool. Take those bullies down a peg, you know?"

"I- uh..." Evan looked in the direction Jared left in. _He'll be fine. Jared isn't who you need to worry about._ "Thanks. So how's uh- what's your schedule look like?"


	2. Chapter 2

They had the same math class.

"Hey, Hansen." Connor sat next to him. "Saw your dickface friend in the hall. Such a shame he's so clumsy, fell face-first ro the ground." He held up a hand for a high-five, only to be met with a horrified reaction.

"You tripped him?"

"Yeah, and he broke his glasses and everything. Did you know he's even uglier without them?"

"Why would you do that?" Evan panicked. He really needed to talk to Jared. He wished he had another reset for the day.

Connor shrugged. "Teach him a lesson. Don't worry, he's an asshole."

Evan knew he called Jared names a lot, but he couldn't help bristling at someone else insulting him. "He's _my_ asshole." He blurted, then turned red. "That's not what I meant, I just- he's not that bad, okay, please stop picking on him."

"Whatever. Thought you'd be more fun."

And the class started before Evan could respond.

At lunch Evan saw two students sitting alone. There was Connor and there was Jared.

He felt guilt take over in his stomach as he sat with Connor, but he wasn't going through this repeated day just to lose Connor again.

The three of them all had the same History class. Jared sat in the front row- something Evan has never seen Jared do in his life, and still had to give up on squinting at the board and accept he couldn't read the notes for shit.

Evan sat next to Connor. He learned about some of his favorite bands and they exchanged numbers. Evan wrote a second set of notes for the day to give Jared, but he was stumbling out the door before Evan could talk to him.

English class. Finally, Jared and Evan had this class together, without Connor in the mix. Evan sat next to Jared, who didn't even spare him a glance.

"I- Jared, I'm really, really sorry."

Jared let out a cold laugh. "Trouble in paradise? Returning to your backup friend so soon?"

"It's not like that."

"What's it like, then? Did the pity finally hit you? Your boyfriend's not in this class and you have no one better to talk to?"

"I- It's complicated, Jared."

"Is it?"

"Look, I'll explain everything to you later," Evan wondered how he would explain his situation without mentioning time travel. "But the point is I just- really had to focus on Connor today. Can you let me tell you about it later? You can come over my house tomorrow, or we could Skype, or-"

Jared gave a defeated sigh. "You realize I'm not quite that desperate? I'm not gonna run right back to you because you said you were sorry."

Evan wouldn't let up. "Please, Jared, it was st8pid, and mean, and I'd like to make it up to-"

"Ask me again tomorrow." Jared finally settled on.

It was quiet for a moment. Finally Evan got out jis History notes. "I made a copy of the notes in History for you."

"I don't need them." Jared insisted.

"O-oh. Okay."

And then class started and their talking stopped.

At the end of the day, he was sure not to include Zoe in his letter to himself. The rest went pretty much the same.

Connor found him in the computer lab. He signed his cast. He left in a much better mood though, and with a promise to talk to Evan the next day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:
> 
> suicide
> 
> major character death

The next day, he saw Connor again.

He saw Connor again.

And he was thrilled, because even with all he did yesterday, and all the texting he did last night, he wasn't sure he did everything to stop Connor dying.

The day went well. Evan was never called to the office. He listened to Connor making jokes. Inappropriate jokes Evan wouldn't normally laugh at, but it was a start.

He didn't even notice until English class that Jared hadn't come to school that day.

_He probably couldn't find his spare glasses yet._

And then Evan got home.

His mom was there, along with some guests. They were talking in the living room and stopped the second they heard Evan walk in.

Heidi walked over to him. "Evan, honey, you might want to take a seat."

He went cold. He knew this feeling.

But Connor was fine. Connor was fine.

His eyes flickered to the two guests. Mr. and Mrs. Kleinman.

So Jared had probably ratted him out. That's it. Jared told his parents and now Evan was in trouble. Not ideal, but still better than the first time around.

Evan slowly sat down.

"Evan, we know Jared and you were good friends, and- and we really appreciate all that you've done for our boy over the years, you know he never was good at making friends, and you stuck by him. So just know- none of this was your fault, okay?" Mrs. Kleinman explained.

Evan frowned. What was this?

Heidi put a hand on Evan's shoulder. "Evan, Jared killed himself last night."

Evan stood up abruptly. "No. No, I- no." This couldn't be happening, Jared would _never_ \- 

"It's hard to take in. We didn't even-" Mrs. Kleinman sobbed. "We didn't even find him until I got home from work today, maybe if I checked his room before leaving this morning-"

"Don't do that to yourself, sweetheart, there wasn't anything we could have done." Mr. Kleinman rubbed circles onto her back.

"I-" Evan thought he already knew what it was like for his world to crumble around him, but this was worse, so much worse. This was his fault. He had been in a world where Jared didn't do this and it was the change in Evan's actions in this world that caused this.

_Ask me again tomorrow._

Nausea filled Evan's stomach as he remembered his last conversation with Jared.

The notes. _I don't need them._

He knew. He _knew._ Jared had already known he was going to kill himself the last time Evan spoke to him.

"I need some- time. Sorry I just need to be alone for a-"

"We understand."

"Take your time."

Evan didn't even register who said what before he escaped to his room.

This couldn't be happening. _This couldn't be happening._

Evan suddenly wished he never went back. He wanted nothing more than to find _his_ Jared, tackle him in a hug, and apologize.

But his Jared didn't exist. And this Jared was dead.

He never thought it was even a possibility that Jared would- did his Jared think about doing this? He hoped not.

How did it happen? Did he- no, he didn't want to know how he did it. That was too painful.

Maybe this was a cruel lesson. Saving Connor cost him Jared, because fate demands a sacrifice or some bullshit like that.

 _Or maybe you could have been nice to Connor without bullying Jared._ Either way, he found himself longing to go back to his timeline rather than to go back and try again, no matter how guilty he felt about it.

Neither happened, though. Evan cried himself to sleep and was woken up by Heidi sitting on the foot of his bed.

"Honey, I know I'm not always here, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right."

"Yeah, mom, I know."

"Just- please, come talk to me if you ever feel like-"

"I will."

"I just- I worry about you, you know?"

 _Maybe Evan wasn't the one anyone needed to worry about._ "Yeah, I- I know."

There was silence for a few moments. Then Evan cleared his throat. "Did he- did he leave a- a note?"

Heidi shook her head. "I'm sorry, honey, he just-" She put her hands to her face and sobbed. There was a time when Jared was like a second son to her.

Evan managed a nod in response, but it went unnoticed.

"You can get some- some food from the fridge, we had lasagna. And you don't have to go to school tomorrow, I know you probably need time to take it all in. The- the funeral is on Thursday." She put a hand on Evan's shoulder and squeezed. "I love you."

"I love you." Evan said to her as she left.

He didn't try to get food. He knew it would just make him sick.

He thought about school tomorrow. He knew he _should_ go, make sure Connor stays in a good mood.

However, he couldn't bring himself to give a shit.

He went for his phone. Checked Facebook.

He understood now. He doesn't think he ever understood the full extent of how bad what he did with the Connor Project was, how bad it was to _pretend_ you were close to someone when tragedy strikes.

Alana, suddenly remembering the "intelligent, funny boy" who sat 3 rows back in math class. Hoardes of kids Evan didn't even recognize talking about how much of a tragedy this was. The descriptions of Jared.

"Sweet"

"Talkative"

"Smart"

"Hilarious"

"Fun"

Wrong.

They didn't know him, _none_ of them knew him. Jared was...

Did Evan know who Jared was?

Jared was sarcastic, and could be cruel, and never took anything seriously and...

and not the type of person to kill themselves.

Evan thought it over, trying to reconcile what he knew about Jared with what had happened.

Jared was sarcastic, that was for sure. He never took anything seriously, but maybe that was to hide how upset he was. Jared was a liar.

_Real friends._

_Ask me again tomorrow._

_I could tell everyone everything._

Jared was a liar. Jared was desperate to seem _cool_ , as if just being himself wasn't good enough. He was sarcastic, he didn't take things seriously, he lied, to seem cool. He was insecure.

He was _dead_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, please leave a comment if you are enjoying the story!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> suicide mention (probably gonna be in pretty much every chapter from now on)

Evan cursed everything when he woke up the next day and he was still in the world without Jared. He didn't see why this had to continue. He learned his lesson, don't mess with time, saving a life isn't free, whatever. He just wanted to go home.

He didn't even get out of bed, though he knew he should at least eat. He didn't really care.

Connor still messaged him.

**Connor:**   
_hey, where are you?_

_oh shit some kid killed themselves monday. mood._

_though rude. some of us may have been considering that but now they can't without being called a copycat_

_or someone saying it's "in trend" now_

_like no this asshole didn't create the idea of wanting to die, i've been wanting to do it for years_

_but of course, i never get any credit. anyways fuck this guy he's not special. we get it, everyone wants to die lmao_

Evan had seen quite a bit of Connor's dark humor over the past few days, but this made him want to throw his phone at a wall.

**Evan:**   
_Please stop._

**Connor:**   
_jeez, there you are_

_wait, did you know him?_

_i haven't been paying much attention. i don't check facebook and im not exactly getting hot gossip from everyone, i didn't hear the name yet_

_oh i just looked it up. he's that kid who kept picking on us, yeah?_

_i'd be lying if i said i was particularly heartbroken over this_

_like oh no who's going to make rude comments at anyone he doesn't deem good enough in the hallway?_

_who's going to show up at the reunion having done nothing in life but sulk in their parent's basement?_

_who's going to replace him as the friend of-oh yeah, he was too much of an asshole to have any friends!! don't have to worry about that one!!!_

**Evan:**   
_I was his friend._

_Or, he was my friend, at least._

_Stop talking about him like that._

_He's not like that. You're being disrespectful. This isn't a joke. Someone died._

**Connor:**   
_woah, geez, okay_

_hansen's getting pissy_

_imo you're way better off without him tho_

_okay okay i'm done now i'll stop._

_sorry i_

_i'm just weird about all this happening._

_the suicide_

_so if i sound insensitive it's just because i wasn't expecting this_

_i expected this to happen to me, if im being honest_

_which sounds dramatic and whatever and yeah, i'm a big scary freak, but it's the truth_

_god im such an asshole_

_you hate me now, don't you?_

_it's alright, everyone does_

Evan wasn't going to reply. He didn't want to say anything. But as Connor's messages got more negative towards himself, he felt obligated to respond. After all, if he lost Connor as well as Jared this time around, Evan didn't know what he'd do.

**Evan:**   
_It's alright, I don't hate you, I'm just not in the mood right now._

**Connor:**   
_god, you two weren't fucking, were you?_

_sorry, had to_

_hey when you get back you wanna go somewhere after school and get stoned?_

_or like i could pick you up today or whatever_

_have you gotten high before?_

**Evan:**   
_No. Look, I really just want to be left alone right now._

**Connor:**   
_alright, i get it. whatever floats your boat_

Evan turned off his phone and stared up at his ceiling. No note. He hadn't even left a note. No explanation, no knowing how long Jared had felt like this.

His mind eventually thought the words "The Jared Project" before he mentally slapped himself. The Connor Project was built on lies and ended up ruining everyone's memory of Connor. He couldn't do that to Jared. But at the same time, the project was something so many people connected to, a place where people could connect and realize they weren't alone.

He left the thought for another day as he heard the doorbell ring. He tried ignoring it, but it rang again, and again, and then there was knocking. Evan sighed and pushed himself out of bed before heading to the door.

He was shocked when he opened it and Zoe Murphy was on his doorstep.

"Can I come in?" She looked somewhere between nervous and angry, with a hint of pity in her eyes.

"Uhhhh..." Evan panicked for a moment, then caught himself. "Yeah,of course."

She nodded and stepped inside. "You might want to- you might want to sit down. It's about Jared?"

Evan crinkled his eyebrows, but then led her to the couch before sitting at the opposite end.

"He- um- well first, I want to tell you that I think what you and my brother did to him was awful, I talked to hin after because I- it's stupid but I like to make sure my brother doesn't hurt anyone because I know he can be mean and just- I know how it feels."

Oh. That made sense. She hadn't talked to Evan on the first day because Connor didn't push him. She talked to Jared because Connor was being mean to him.

She sighed. "And I want to say again that there's no excuse for saying that kind of stuff to someone, but I really don't think you meant for this to happen. But anyway, I just- I don't even know the guy, but when I talked to him, he said some things-- I feel like I'm obligated to pass it on. I didn't realize it until I found out but-- it was like he was saying goodbye."

"What do you mean?"

"I asked him if he was okay, said he looked upset, said you two were being assholes. He just laughed it off and said you were just being honest. I insisted you were an asshole and my brother shouldn't have joined in on that and he said- ugh I'm trying to remember the wording as best I can he shrugged and said 'It's been a long time coming, believe me. I can't speak for Connor, but Evan has put up with so much shit from me, it's only about time he snapped.' And then he was all like, talking you up? Like 'Evan's actually really great, you'd probably like him. You should talk to him sometime. He's really nice and he's a big fan of jazz band. And like I said, if we're being honest, none of this is his fault.' And then he looked at me right in the eye and said 'I just hope he knows that.' So now I think it might have been- meant for you. If- you know, if he didn't already leave a letter."

Evan shook his head. "No. Nothing. There was- nothing." He swallowed.

Zoe took in a shaky breath. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm so upset, I just- if I had known what he meant... I asked him if he was okay again as he was walking away and he just said 'I'll be fine by tomorrow.' Was that- had he already decided? I should have talked to him more, or something. I should have-"

"There wasn't anything you could do." Evan breathed. "If anyone here messed things up, it was me. You didn't know, alright? I at least should have known not to say those things. It's-" Whatever he was about to say got lost as his mind ran rampant. _I'll be fine by tomorrow._ Evan wanted to throw up when he thought about Jared going through the whole day knowing what he was going to do. And he still-

Dammit, Evan couldn't help but be mad at Jared. Because Jared should _hate_ Evan, he shouldn't be thinking all that was his own fault. He shouldn't be- setting Evan up with the girl he likes. He shouldn't be doing favors for Evan. Why couldn't Jared just yell at him, just stay alive and hate him?

Evan didn't realize he was sobbing until he felt arms around him, and he snapped back to reality.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm- sorry." He pulled out of the hug.

Zoe just looked- awkward. It was obvious she was still annoyed at Evan. "I should- go home. Get some early studying in." She got up and paused before opening the door, then shook her head and continued.

Evan was alone again, this time with knowledge of some of the last thoughts Jared had had. How he had felt about what had happened.

He almost thought he was better off when he hadn't known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you're enjoying this leave a comment!!! They are greatly appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

The funeral was a blur.

Getting dressed in a suit Heidi had gotten him from Goodwill for his uncle's funeral a few months ago. Riding in the car. People talking to him, he couldn't possibly recall what was said. The simple closed wooden casket. It leered at him, and Evan hated knowing that Jared was in there.

There was a time to talk, and as Jared's mother stepped up, Evan was lost in thought.

_He hadn't even prepared anything._

What kind of a friend was he? He had so much time.. he had to say something.

And as Mrs. Kleinman sat, he stood up, absolutely terrified. He swallowed, and went for what he already knew how to say.

"Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in-" He choked on the words, then looked at the picture of Jared on display.

_"Your speech is everywhere. This morning, the Connor Project page only had 56 people following it." Jared had sounded incredulous, excited for Evan._

_"Well, how many does it have now?"_

_"Four thousand five hundred and eighty-two!" Jared was happy, putting an arm around him as they refreshed the page and watched the numbers climb._

Evan wiped some tears from his face. "in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could di-" He cut himself off again.

It was wrong. This speech was fake. It wasn't for Connor, and it certainly not for Jared. It was for Evan.

It was a lie, like everything else Evan did.

Because Jared wasn't found. Jared never let himself be found, and Evan never spent the effort he should have on looking.

"I'm sorry." He muttered. He couldn't look at the others, he already knew the room was silent. He cleared his throat. "I- uh- I remember once in middle school Jared texted right after school, asking if he could come over my house, right? And it's the middle of the winter, I had- well, as much homework as middle schoolers have, and I told him to wait a half hour before walking over. He waited, was a little late, even, and then rang my doorbell and he looked like he was freezing. I asked him why he looked like he was outside in the snow the whole time. I eventually get out of him that he lost his house key and couldn't get in until his parents got home."

He took a breath. "Jared Kleinman wasn't the type to let you know when he really needed something. He'd just make it a question as if it didn't matter to him, so he knows you want to help him, or you'll enjoy it, not that you think you should. He'd ask if he could come over to say he got locked out, he'd say he didn't even care if you were at his birthday party because he knew your mother had the day off for once and you probably wanted to spend the day with her." _He'd ask for you to come over and get drunk with him so he doesn't get drunk alone._ Evan shook that thought away.

"Whether he didn't want to inconvenience people or he thought needing help made him weak, he was wrong. You're not an inconvenience, Jared. I would rather spend hours upon hours helping you than a moment of knowing that I didn't when you needed it. And that's a lesson all of us can learn. There's so many people who want to help you, who care enough to help you through your problems, but you need to let them be known. You can't be found if no one knows you're lost. So please, anyone feeling like Jared did, just helpless and lost, please just tell your friends, and know that they are there for you. Asking for help is a sign of strength, it shows you're ready to move forward and are determined to use everything you can to fight your way through. We can't fight everything alone.

"And we have to make an effort to be better friends, too. We have to try to notice when our friends are struggling. If someone sounds upset, let them know they can always talk to you. If you talk about your problems to them, ask them to vent about something to you, too. We all have problems, and it's easy to get lost in our own, and- and ignore anyone else who needs help, but we have to stop ourselves. We can't always tell who's lost in the forest, but maybe we can make it so it's easier to find your way back to the trail. And that's what I think we all need to do. For everyone. For Jared."

His legs shook as he found his way back to his seat. Someone patted him on the back. He took some deep breaths.

The rest of the ceremony passed, they spent some time at the Kleinman house, and then eventually Evan was home.

He turned his phone on and one notification caugjt his eye. An email from Jared Kleinman. Subject: Surprise, Bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you don't get too excited: Jared is not alive or "back" or anything.
> 
> Also: idk it doesn't seem like too many people are really too into this work. So maybe I should focus on something that fetches nore of a response, but I really am feeling this story right now. Whoops.


	6. Chapter 6

Subject: Surprise, bitch!

Body: Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!

Ah, well don't get too excited, I am still dead, I just had to use that line.

Since I'm assuming you're wracking your brain wondering how this is possible (you're such shit at computers, Evan), I'll let you know that I scheduled these emails to be sent at a different time. Why? Because I didn't want to deal with anyone feeling obligated to stop me or having any awkward moments if I just failed in general. You know my secrets when I'm good and dead, and not a moment before.

So yeah. I don't know what today was about.

I get that maybe I deserved it. I've been kind of a dick to you. I just never expected that kind of reaction from you. I thought if my jokes were seriously bothering you you'd tell me before publicly humiliating me and basically calling me a friendless loser in front of people. I just... didn't think you were that kind of person. Or maybe you're not, and I've just been so awful that I pushed you into it. Fuck it. It doesn't matter now, I guess.

I wish it did matter. I wish I mattered. I wish I wasn't too much of a fucking pussy to just ask you instead of killing myself like a heartbroken whiny coward.

Enough melodrama about my own angst, I just want you to know that I always thought of us as friends. I was joking and assumed you knew what I meant. Or I was too scared to admit I was close to someone. It's good I'm not close to anyone now. It's better this way. No one has to cry their eyes out over me.

I mean it. Don't feel like you have to cry because you feel responsible or you think suicide is sad in general. You know you didn't like me. I know you didn't like me. You're better off, so don't start crying about it because you think you should. And if anyone at the school starts acting all sad as if this is a terrible personal tragedy to them, kick their ass. Well, I know you can't kick anyone's ass but maybe get your new boyfriend to do it.

Signing off,

Jared Kleinman

Evan truly, deeply hated himself. Jared really thought the only tears Evan would shed over him would be out of obligation, like he means only as much as some stranger or even an enemy to him.

He tasted blood in his mouth and realized how hard he was biting his lip. He couldn't bring himself to care.

This had to have been going on for a while. Jared had to have thought these things before... His Jared probably thought these things too, and the last time he talked to him he threw him aside like he didn't matter.

His head was full of the sensation of static, a buzzing that kept you from being able to think. His phone buzzed. A Facebook message.

It took him longer than it should have to read it and be able to understand what it said. It was Alana.

"Hey, I know you were close friends with Jared. I remember him from math class. He was always sarcastic and funny, and he never did his homework but somehow managed to match most of my test scores. I just wanted to know if you were okay? I know losing someone can be hard, especially in this way, but in times like this the rest of us are reminded that we need to pull together and do everything we can to make those around us see that they matter."

It was cheesy and made Evan tighten his grip on his phone. He wanted to yell at her for making tragedies about her and acting like she knew those people, but Evan knew he was guilty of the same crimes. Or was, before this time travel bullshit.

He realized that she had needed the Project too. She felt alone, left out. She wanted to know that it was okay, that she was a part of something. She related to Connor, and now Jared.

Evan swallowed the feeling in his gut. He knew he had to do this, no matter how wrong it was. He typed a reply.

"Hey Alana, it's really been rough to think he's gone and in a few weeks everyone is going to forget him. I wish I could change that, have an assembly for him or start an organization that helps people like him. I just want him to have had an impact, you know?"

He hesitated before hitting send.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm whatteam-voltron on tumblr!! Feel free to send requests!!! (for Dear Evan Hansen or Voltron).


End file.
